Apple 3 (1980)
When you’re looking for a home computer that will probably overheat and catch fire, look no further than the Apple 3. The successor to the hugely popular Apple 2 (see what they did there), this was a huge flop. Also, a genuine fire hazard.
Apple Newton (1993)
The original iPad. Released in 1993, the Newton was an all-in-one portable office that could send faxes (remember those?), splutter out emails, store your clients’ details, take notes and other relevant stuff. Anyway, its man claim to fame was its ability to read handwriting (via stylus input). Unfortunately, this feature was less reliable then your weed dealer. Also, it cost $1000 bucks.
Macintosh Portable (1989)
A portable Mac! Sweet... Wait, why do I have these crippling back pains? Maybe it’s because this laptop weights over seven kilos and is larger than a briefcase. Crapsticks.
Apple Lisa (1983)
The Lisa was actually pretty groundbreaking for its time – it was one of the first personal computers to utilise a graphical user interface (ie: on screen icons), came with a mouse, and could multi-task across programs. All very impressive for 1983. The $10 thousand price tag was considerably less impressive. In today’s terms it equates to approximately $22 thousand. Ouch.
Macintosh TV (1993)
If you’re going to release a computer that can display TV signals on the monitor than you wanna make sure it can actually do so. The Macintosh TV was a bit of a shambles and watching TV on it was slightly less satisfying poking yourself in the eyes with a stick.
QuickTake (1994)
The QuickTakes were some of the very first digital cameras available on the market, which again points to Apple’s uncanny knack for meeting needs that consumers don’t yet know they have. A QuickTake camera was easy to use, had a .3 Megapixel resolution (which isn’t bad for 1994), and ranged in price from $600 to $750.
Apple Pippin (1996)
A mutant PC/games consoles hybrid, this was a bit of a mess from the get-go. Apple partnered with Japanese entertainment giant Bandai and somewhere along the way things got lost in translation. Released around the same time as the original Playstation, this quickly sank without a trace, selling fewer than 45 thousand units internationally.
20th Anniversary Macintosh (1997)
Creating a deluxe version of your computer to mark 20 years in the business is all good and well. Charging nearly $8000 for some pointless ‘special features’ and a new casing? Not so much.
Apple USB Mouse (1998)
One button? What the hell am I supposed to do with one button? What about right cluck? Nuts to this.
Steve Jobs' wardrobe (1999 onwards)
Cheap shot? Maybe. But come on, the guy is one step away from being a comic book super villain, and his whole shtick is mom jeans, black turtleneck and white sneakers. Seriously, what the hell is that about?
